I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
