He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize