i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
it glows. i had to have it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
