Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
