i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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