and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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