Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
