mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
