I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
