i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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