you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
