I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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