i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Are we still banned from the library?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
