meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize