i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize