someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
