You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
