Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
