I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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