Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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