Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
