I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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