I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize