see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
