he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
