I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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