her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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