he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
