I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
