Im at strip club and am horny
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
