Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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