Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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