it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He? As in you personified your dick?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
