You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Randomize
