You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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