i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
