I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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