do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
