He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize