My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
