After last night, I could never be a politician.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
