Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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