I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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