I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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