god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
