I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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