i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize