I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
