I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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