For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
