My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
