I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've blown a few things in my day
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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