why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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