I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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