i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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