I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
