that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
