Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
