do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
