Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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